LarsP (born around 1974, quite possibly being the reincarnation of an ancient being that stalked the world before the beginning of time). Apparently raised by local people in the small independent and war-like country north of Denmark, collectively known as ‘Vendsyssel’, his life was undoubtedly shaped by the horrible living conditions. The land, every hour of dim daylight shrouded by fog, every haunted night scoured by ripping western winds as they cross from the great ocean to tear inland, is characterized by frightening gangs of sinewy men, who roam the moors, terrifying everyone with their close-harmony singing and a spoken language consisting of nothing but vowels.
Found on the doorstep of a small monastary on the outskirts of Hjørring, the rune from a filthy, forgotten language branded into his forehead, whispered rumours have long since evolved into grotesque stories of his heritage. Some claim him to be the unexpected result of a genetic nazi-experiment gone horribly wrong (explaining his rather extreme political solutions and his fondness of german music), whilst others snarl in absolute disgust that he might actually be from Copenhagen. Soaking up the well-stocked knowledge of the monks like a sponge, his life changed abruptly in the mid-teens, as terrified villagers who had heard harrowing sounds from the monastary for hours, forced their way into the blood-soaked sanctuary, only to find hím surrounded by the horribly mutilated bodies of the monks. Looking up from the pentagrams and sigils he was slowly inscribing on the floor, he simply replied: ‘Don’t worry – none of this blood is mine!’. Banished from Vendsyssel for his pains, and sentenced to close confinement at Sikringsanstalten Nykøbing-Sjælland, LarsP spent the next 10 years secluded in a padded cell, on a strict vegetarian diet consisting mostly of cabbage. The local psychiatrist later declared that, ‘if he was not insane when he arrived, he sure as hell was when we finally let him out’.
Early years
Despite these ominous beginnings, LarsP first came to the attention of the public when he, at the age of 17, published his first paper in the Journal of Abnormal Psychiatry: a scathing criticism of all previous research on and literature dealing with antisocial personality disorder. Firmly based on his own empirical studies, conducted while at the monastary, he conclusively proved that the defining diagnostic criterion of people suffering from antisocial personality disorder is that they just don’t give a damn. Unfortunately – prompted by the local clergy – his experiments caused nearby villagers to torch the university at which he studied, killing hundred of students and several prominent professors. The priests responsible for the riot later claimed that it was a necessary and morally acceptable sacrifice – better to kill thousands of innocents rather than let one heretical free-thinker escape with his life.
Homeless again, LarsP adopted the gothic name of Melmoth the Wanderer, and for the next ten years he roamed the earth with an existential attitude rivalling that of Jean-Paul Sartre, a pilgrimage from which he drew a deep understanding of the futility of hope, the fundamental and utter lack of meaning and value in the world, and on which he developed an absolute – but ultimately completely rational – disgust of french people, while simultaneously expanding his already considerable knowledge of the many ways to inflict pain on others, in a rather playful, sadistic manner (usually with a blowtorch and a pair of plyers). It is rumored that it was at this time he first came into contact with Hans Bruntt, his later partner in crime and movie-making, as well as long-time nemesis. All witnesses, however, as to how they met have gone mysteriously missing.
The never-ending war
The first confirmed contact between LarsP and FOKING FILMS is evident from his star role as Odin, the God of War and Death, in the very first movie in the Son of Odin trilogy. The later fallout between him and Hans Bruntt is documented in the outtakes from Son of Odin 2, which can be found on the extremely rare Directors Cut Special Edition Betamax version of the movie. If one looks very closely, LarsP can be seen at the left side of the screen wearing a sombrero during the infamous monkey fight scene, which was subsequently cut from the final version of the film due to pressure from PETA. Surviving members of the production team, who has undergone extensive psychotherapy due to severe PTSD, report the two directors ‘screaming obsceneties and spouting filth at each other of such as hard-boiled magnitude that it made their lips crack and bleed from the unholy nature of the content that spilled from their twisted minds (while local children took extensive notes)’. Exactly how LarsP remained a member of the FOKING FILMS inner circle is unknown, but despite the fallout and subsequent free-lance activities, he rose quickly in the ranks due to his encyclopaedic knowledge and ability to compile, integrate and evolve structure and meaning from staggering amounts of seemingly meaningless babble and pointless movie outtakes, which turned out to be exactly what the production team of FOKING FILMS needed, when the spontaneous scripts were written, filming concluded, and the editing process began. On set, however, problems often arose as LarsP hounded the staff, proclaiming that those not working to the best of their abilities would be sent to the isolated island of Læsø, there to live out their lives working under slave-like conditions in the local salt mines. The decimation principle was often employed to prove this point (in his own version, in which 9 out of 10 were shot as an example to the others) – if indeed there was a point, which many obviously doubt. ‘Sometimes…… he likes to bake! WHILE HE IS SHOOTING PEOPLE!!!!’, a hysterical actor is rumoured to have said, just before the ambulance took him away to the local psychiatric clinic.
Though often filling this role in the secluded editorial areas behind production lines, LarsP was also a stand-in cultist in The Creature from the Faeces Lagoon, co-director of Onde Jakob and it is rumoured that he in fact is the elusive Dr.Mindstripper, who has created the enligthening commentary tracks on ‘Creature from the Faeces Lagoon’ Sex and the Zombie, and ‘Jakob – The Evil One’. Despite the escalating conflicts with co-director, Hans Bruntt, their temporary truce during the filming of Onde Jakob has already become the stuff of legends. ‘It was like nitro-glycerine’, one of the surviving actors later said to the press. ‘If one detonated, so did the other, with catastrophic results for the cast, but ultimately redeeming themselves as they managed to pull off the impossible. With that achievement in mind, what matters then a few scores of dead actors and extras!’. As for the twenty donkeys that spontaneously exploded on the last day of shooting, both Bruntt and LarsP deny any responsibility and blame the incidence on mystical occult forces from the beyond. As for their relationship, they have even less comments: ‘It’s a process!’ Hans Bruntt said recently, and then slammed the door in the face of the press.
Where LarsP will go from here and what his future plans are no one knows, but everyone within the movie business is scared shitless. “I hate him. I really hate him and I want to spit on his grave – but from a safe distance so he doesn’t suddenly rise from the dead to cut out my heart with a dull spoon whilst consuming my brain with glee. Yes, he’s that kind of crazy!” (statement from a FOKING FILMS cast member who wishes to remain anonymous).
